Although ’traumatic loss’ is more painful than loss of a loved-one through natural causes, these heightened emotions are part of the long recovery process of learning to cope. Acknowledging and talking about these feelings is very important.
You may well relate to the reactions listed below…or have experienced similar feelings of despair!
Emotional reactions:-
- Inability to attach importance to anything other than the murder.
- Feelings of fear of something specific, or more general morbid thoughts.
- Thoughts of revenge.
- Guilt, self-blame for some aspect of the death…or, ‘if only’.
- Feeling numb and unable to feel any clear cut emotions.
- Over-sensitively, becoming upset and angry more easily than usual.
- Intense rage and anger with the offender, another member of family or yourself.
- Irritability ‘snappiness’…short-tempered.
- Feelings of isolation, helplessness or a sense of ‘loss of control’ over your life or sanity.
- Anxiety, worries about the future…depression, extreme sadness and ‘sense of loss’.
Thought pattern changes:-
- Extreme difficulty with concentration and problem solving.
- Flashbacks to the scene of the murder or haunting thoughts of the murder…often, these imagined details that are worse than the reality.
- Haunting dreams and exaggerated nightmares of events surrounding the murder.
- Memory disturbance, particularly short-term memory. Absent-minded or forgetful!
Physical effects and reactions:-
- Sleep problems such as insomnia…disturbed sleep and nightmares.
- Fatigue, feeling exhausted/tired and generally unwell.
- Hyperactivity or feeling unable to stop and relax.
- Lethargy/under-activity…can’t be bothered with anything.
- Repeated health problems, such as colds, headaches and general aches and pains.
- Loss of appetite or comfort eating to excess…and/or drinking!
- Exaggerated reactions…over-sensitivity to noise, sudden movements or just feeling frightened of everything!
- repeated stomach problems…feelings of nausea, panic and breathlessness.
There are things you can do which help alleviate…the emotional pain associated with this traumatic experience. It is important to talk to anyone who will listen…a counsellor or other supportive person. It goes without saying that someone who has been through this kind of trauma, surviving members of other families…will understand the kind of feelings that you may experience. Here are just a few of the general principles that may help to guide you through this most difficult time. Try and recognise that you have suffered an event which is ‘abnormal and highly stressful’…give yourself permission to feel sad, angry or at times rage. Denying your emotions may delay the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the pain and step along aside it ‘a little at a time’…there are no rules, set sequences of events or timetables for the ‘pain of loss to lessen’ and you have every right to feel ‘rotten’ to say the least.
Practical Support. If you can, allow others to help in practical/supportive ways…people who care about you will want to help (albeit at times people may not know what to say…or in their well-meaning attempts to help, be insensitive). It’s often hard for them too. Try not to avoid all reminders of what has happened or block out all thoughts of the murder…as you will need to talk about it - for some people it may take many weeks, months and years ahead to slowly ‘come to terms with this dreadful experience’. However, do not push yourself until you are ready.
Life will never be the same, but with time it can again have meaning. The loved-one lost…would want your life to have worth, happiness and joy ’in their memory’.
The most important thing to remember, particularly in the early days is that whatever feelings you are going through…you are not going mad, crazy or insane - this is how it is for all of us. Those that tragically have experienced this kind of grief know that ’pulling yourself together’ as that old phrase goes…is not an option. Take each day…one step at a time. The time frame is different for different people and the manner of coping is very much a ’personal experience and journey’ for each member of the family. The time we need each other most is often when the pain is too much…to deal with even ourselves let alone others. In time all will piece back together…normality does return, along with family harmony!